Shantini Felba

ello Everyone!
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I am Shanthini from Chennai, India. I was raised in a Christian family. My grandfather invested early in my life, teaching me stories and truths from scripture. He was my spiritual role model. My parents, grandparents and my church, especially the Sunday school teachers, made sure I knew and understood the ‘Good News’ of Jesus and His love for us.
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At least that's what I thought or took for granted. When I started high school, my family moved to Mumbai. We were trying to connect to an English or South Indian church close to our residence, but that didn’t happen for a few years.

After two years in Mumbai, my parents started arguing and fighting quite a bit. Distanced from family and spiritual support, and guided by their own understanding, they decided to separate.

Grade 9 was particularly hard for me. Immersed in their own disagreements, my parents could not spare time for my brother and me. They took care of our basic needs but could not nurture our emotional, mental and spiritual health. They separated a year later. We went through a heart-wrenching, completely unnecessary litigation process for six years.

Remember, we had stopped going to church as a family or even praying together. The seeds sown in my heart had gone without nurturing for a good ten years. My teen years were traumatic,  volatile, and challenging – not a safe space to explore and grow into who God wanted me to be. I could not understand the absence of peace in my family and wondered why God would allow this.

I gave my Grade 12 exams under depression with no hope of clearing them. My seat at the exam center faced a window. I would sit staring at a big tamarind tree outside. On the first day - I could see a cloud, like a pillar, right above the tree. Something in my heart prayed – “Jesus, I don't even know what I am doing here. I couldn’t prepare for the exams as I wanted to. Could you please hold my fingers and write this exam for me. Lead me as you led Israel. I prayed before the exam (with mustard seed sized faith!) and completed it. Three hours later, and all through my exams, the cloud was there. I felt God watching over me. My tiny faith mattered to Him.

Before the results were announced, I told my dad that I would pursue a B.A in English Literature as I would not have scored enough to qualify for a professional degree. I scored 92% in Grade 12 and got into Engineering in Karunya University. I knew nothing of this institution and resisted the move. But God knew that I needed to be surrounded by His love and His word and that's what happened to me in Karunya. God provided excellent friends, a support system and spiritual mentors for me in Karunya. He built my faith and helped me find my way back to Him.

Since then, there have been ups and downs, abundance and poverty, the loss of family members and new relationships - but in every situation – I have experienced God’s goodness, faithfulness and His unchanging love.

Every time I strayed away, He patiently waited for my return. Every time my faith wavered, He helped my unbelief.  Every time I needed someone, needed healing in my soul, He was right there.  In all these years, I have never felt abandoned by Him.

In 2016, a morning call left me devastated. My mother had passed away. I was doing my Masters in Canada and had no money to book my ticket. I cried for 47 hours on the plane - fighting memories that came flooding in. I asked God again and again – “I was just trying to rebuild my relationship with my Mom, why did You take her, why now?”

When I could not accept or process anything, the Holy spirit (the Comforter and Counsellor promised by Jesus) ministered to me in many ways I cannot explain. He mothered me, helping me to handle my grief and loss of identity and security. He reassured me and helped me overcome sleepless nights. He restored my soul.

God has lifted me up in ways I could not even ask or dream of. He has strengthened my hands and has used me for His glory. He has put big dreams in my heart and has enabled me to achieve them. He has picked me up and carried me whenever I needed help.

If there's just one thing that I have found to be true and time tested, it is that Jesus is real. He is my father and mother and friend. He is my all in all.

Friends, if you have never really had a relationship with Jesus, it's not too late, it's never too late - We belong to a God who redeems time - Ask Him to be with you - He is waiting.

And talk to Jesus. He loves you!

Shanthini

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